Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My coworker Fred got caught with an underaged girl and nobody laughed when I called him “The Fredator”

My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit

C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*

me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*

i would wish you the best but i am the best

That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt

[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass

[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer

[NYE]

ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*

OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair

Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.

Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now

“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards

mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200

me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay

8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?

M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?

Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa

Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.

[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude

A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.

If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it

You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.

Don’t come back here with your bullshit.

Me, coming back with my bullshit:

Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….

It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.

Angel: Welcome to Heaven

Me: But… this is a Costco…

A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need

M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*

when people give me directions and they’re like “you can’t miss it” i’m like, oh you do not know what i’m capable of

sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*

prison guard: ok you’re free to go

Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.

Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.

A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow

Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.

has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?