You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
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her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?