You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
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I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
The funk soul brother
