You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
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-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
BREAKING NEWS ~ Janet on Facebook is having chicken salad for dinner tonight.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
Best spot.. 😅
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
