You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
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(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
The only good comments section online is on recipes
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
I’m afraid to be cremated and have the whole place smelling like honey BBQ and bacon
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?