Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what do you want!!!!!!!!

It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.

Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol

IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?

ME: Your guess is as good as mine

I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans

M: Ok I take that back

The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.

Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”

-me, walking into the kitchen

There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.

hide the Elf on the Shelf while you’re drunk so it can be a searching game for both you & the kids the next morning

[first date]

HER: I totally love Nirvana

ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums

HER: Nevermind

ME Okay, forget about it then

Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.

anxiety is soooo crazy bc why do i have diarrhea cuz im scared of something that hasn’t happened yet. what purpose does this diarrhea serve evolutionary

Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.

Them: Are you single?

Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized

santa getting shot down over jersey this year isn’t he

I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles

*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*

[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body

Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*

[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.

I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.

WORK FROM HOME TIPS:

Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart

My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.

Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.

Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year

My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.

[in the insect dissection room]

Your fly is open.

If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.

[6 months after the pandemic ends]

Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.

devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday

A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.