Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.

I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies

Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset

[parade]

Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?

Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or

What does a cannibal eat for a snack?

Finger food.

Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.

“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.

“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids

You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.

Yeah, me too.

Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?

Advisor: let me take their temperature

Queen: ?

Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king

Queen: how do you know?

Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises

no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.

My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?

Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*

Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?

Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.

my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.

nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end

The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.

DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up

ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?

DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want

some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore

Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?

SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?

ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?

Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs

you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer

I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.

nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works

pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?

me: herbert

pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-

me: himbert

First Date:

Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?

Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)

Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.

A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:

whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.

Things I learned today:

1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch