Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.

I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.

Them: We’ve made this idiot proof

Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*

SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M:  I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*

The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”

….I’ll see myself out….

I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.

date: are you looking for love?

me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels

I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.

My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”

Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.

“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie

I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.

“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”

Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying

A charcuterie board is just dry soup

Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed

*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that

Friend: Hi, How have you been?

Me: Why? What have you heard?

Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”

Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.

wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what

If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?

*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?

me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]

been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.

If you lick me, I taste like vodka.

Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…

A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.

If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.

still bigger than my 1st New York apartment

If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder

I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.

I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.