You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
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My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
😭😭
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.