Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat

We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”

I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀

Autocarrot sucks!

You never forget your first kiss. Or your first meeting with HR.

Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”

But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”

And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”

I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.

In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position

When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep

I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.

The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.

*tries to turn on TV*

TV: I have a boyfriend

It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.

Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.

-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September

Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”

Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.

Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.

Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.

*gives you a knife

*points to the toaster

5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?

Me: 22.

Wife: How many with witnesses?

Me: Almost 1.

Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time

[at the playground]

“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”

I’m not calling anyone daddy unless I’m asking for money for the mall.

Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?

There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.

Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.

For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.

joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people

batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you

joker:

batman:

joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem

I painted a hot chick with big jugs

{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.

No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.

[buys a single banana]

87,000,000 fruit flies.

For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.

Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?

Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me