You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
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me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
A fake ID that makes you younger
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods