You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
You Might Also Like
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
Air pods looking like an angry frog
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
That’s a good costume, I hope.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!