You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
You Might Also Like
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
he’ll never suspect a thing
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Nonmaterial gift ideas:
An experience
A home cooked meal
Offer to destroy one of their enemies
Clean their house
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire