Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*

Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.

A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit

*twirls fork through hair*

So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?

boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here

Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀

call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today

Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.

Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.

ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day

FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?

ME: no, I just had the one

When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.

[3am]

me: *sleeping*

brain: omg you’re late for work!

me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*

brain: lmao you’re so gullible

[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie

My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.

In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.

i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell

Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill

My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?

Doctor: Step on the scale.

Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?

Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?

Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?

My leg-lengthening surgery was a success, but I accidentally spent the last three months turning the screws the wrong way, and now I’m 3’ 4”.

Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:

Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker

If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.

BREAKING NEWS ~ Janet on Facebook is having chicken salad for dinner tonight.

Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”

Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.

my mom: fix this for me

also my mom: no, not like that

still my mom: it’s not working

mom: wait it is now

Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.

*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*

Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.

Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.