Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.

My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out

If I ever die on some hill, rest assured, something fishy is going on.

My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.

Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.

When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.

Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.

The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.

For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…

Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.

Time is precious, waste it wisely.

everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful

My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.

911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.

Me: I WASNT READY

rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600

“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”

-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords

My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.

It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.

Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.

interviewer: describe yourself in one word

me: great listener

I guess I’ll never be able to walk away from an explosion in a cool way like they do in the movies, this morning my toast popped and I stopped dropped and rolled on my kitchen floor

I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.

If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?

date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this

Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates

Boss: why are your eyes red?

Me: I got shampoo in them

Boss: we’ve talked about this

Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes

Boss: mhm

Me: but you can’t deny this volume

Boss: oh I am painfully jealous

Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.

Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.

After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.

I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.

Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..

“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong