You think you’re ageing well and then you feel an earlobe hair blowing in the wind
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Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Today a coworker from another department was talking about her daughter, Haysleigh, and I guess I gave an eyebrow raise because she immediately said “like paisley but agricultural” then spelled it and I felt my soul leave my body
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery