You think you’re ageing well and then you feel an earlobe hair blowing in the wind
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If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
unbelievably distressed by this ad
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”