You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
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I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
You’re an adult. You can do what you want.
Wait…You have kids? Nevermind.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Is no one else a little relieved the affair was with a person
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
In my 20’s: jingle all the way!
In my 40’s: jingle til around six thirty
We got an electric blanket so now I call all of our other ones acoustic blankets.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.