You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
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My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Signatures as a form of legal identification purely theatre at this point. You’re telling me I can make pretty much whatever squiggly line I want on this piece of paper and now I control my father’s pesticide company? Grow up.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Growing old is a process of saying “it’s probably nothing,” with increasing frequency and increasingly being wrong.
Becoming a dad turned me into an environmentalist. All I do now is turn off lights and yell at people who waste energy.
My neighbor said he heard me having sex today but it was just me standing in front of my air conditioner.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian