You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
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Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
genies are a myth perpetuated by creepy lamps who just want to get rubbed more
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
called in thicc to work this morning
I love the word “rapscallion”, not only are you a rascal but you’re also being a bit of a spring onion about it too.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.