You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
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“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
It’s October 8th and we’ve already purchased Halloween costumes for both kids. If they actually end up wearing them, I’m giving each of you a king size snickers.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
ok but what if they had media literacy
(this was funnier in my head)
This bar smells like my childhood.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
The concept of warding off vampires with crosses is so interesting to me. I wonder if it applies to any other religion or if they’re allergic to just catholicism
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*