You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
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Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.