I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
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*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Friend: Do you have a bird problem?
Friend: Why is there a scare crow in your compound.
Me: Oh that? That’s for people.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
If you’re having luftballon problems I feel bad for you son I got 99 luftballons and whatever whatever I don’t speak German
Just dropped part of a cookie into my printer, so I hit “copy”
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.