@TheOneTrueDisco

You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!

*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*

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@Midgetspar

I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.

@AmericanGent69

Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.

@KrunkedRobot

My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.

@Biraahwa

Friend: Do you have a bird problem?
Me: No.
Friend: Why is there a scare crow in your compound.
Me: Oh that? That’s for people.

@junejuly12

Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.

@tobyherman27

Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.

— an Easter egg

@ninetek

If you’re having luftballon problems I feel bad for you son I got 99 luftballons and whatever whatever I don’t speak German

@redthe1

Just dropped part of a cookie into my printer, so I hit “copy”

*hope

@mommajessiec

5yo: Mom is 47!

Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.

Me: I’m 37.