You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
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Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
Other than that, Carrie, how was the prom?
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
7yo: I lost my tooth! Now I’ll get $100 from the tooth fairy!
Me: Hey buddy, the tooth fairy needs to make sure all kids get money. Don’t be surprised if you get a dollar or something.
7yo: Then why did the tooth fairy give Ray $100 for her tooth??
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
I’m far enough into my kids’ summer camp that my clothes dryer is now just a sandbox
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.