Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.

Me: but I’m infested.

Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.

by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids

Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.

My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on

Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go

Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles

Game theory professor: w- what

Skip intro

[Trapped on a Island]

*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”

*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”

There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.

“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.

[Putting petrol in car]
１９.９５
１９.９６
１９.９７
[stops]
[gently now]

１９.９８

[very gently]

１９.９９

[ok, once more]
[deep breath]

３７.８３

GODDAMMIT

[talking to son on the phone]

“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”

I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.

Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.

Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.

[meeting at amc network]

“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”

I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.

*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*

My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.

Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.

I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70

*feels the music*

Music: “ew. no.”

santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade

<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men

love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind

I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”

“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show

People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.

[1st date]

HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?

ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives

[Speed dating]

HER: I’m really into astronomy

ME: the moon follows me when I drive

The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.

Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?

Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.