You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
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Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Okay
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.