You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
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Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Good point.
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.