You think you’re having a bad day? My daughter learned that the average woman spends 10 years on her period and believed it to mean all at once.
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Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
The algorithm is predicting some tough times ahead for ya boy
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.