You think you’re having a bad day? My daughter learned that the average woman spends 10 years on her period and believed it to mean all at once.
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[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
Got banned from all the chemists in my town for calling them pharmas markets.
I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
Me starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet
9am: One cookie instead of two
My problem areas are my upper arms & earth
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!