Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is painfully accurate 😅

[aliens arrive]

people: *screaming crying hiding*

me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*

I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.

I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.

Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.

~inventor of cereal bags probably

me: aren’t you too old for a high chair

lifeguard: please go away

Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.

Narrator: she would never find it again.

the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants

the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time

If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.

Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”

super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog

Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.

Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?

Me: Let me ask my mom

Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!

Me: She said no

I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.

Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like “that explains it”.

You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.

I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.

9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.

Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,

It’s not going to cost ME anything.

microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie

Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.

What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?

Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.

A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.

Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.

saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.

My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad

Me: add to cart

My therapist: no

Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.

Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..

*drinks Grey Goose

*adds bird fanatic to the resume