Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.

[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything

Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people

Midwife: Support his head

[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here

I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person

I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.

Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work

If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.

Did you hear about the man who was using apples and oranges for flooring?

He started to lay them down when he realized it was fruit-tile

#LunchPun

starbuck cashier: can i get a name

guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben

me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me

Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.

DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?

Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.

Dentist: You can rinse now.

If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.

Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!

I live alone.

The dryer is my closet.

yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.

drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”

I lost my job at NASA Mission Control today. I misheard when they said, “It’s lunch time.”

[At Pharmacy]

Pharmacist: This medi…

Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.

Google Maps should start screaming the more wrong turns you make

How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?

*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*

[at parent-teacher night]

Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, too

Me: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*

genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-

me: no i’m sure this is my wish

[elsewhere]

mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup

I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.

If you think about it, technically corn dogs are just Beef Wellington in a different tax bracket.

not for long

Word of advice.

If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.

Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.

Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills