You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
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As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Happy birthday to actor Sam Elliot, who turns 80 today, and to his mustache, who turns 79.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
It’s been 5 years since they banned me from Yelp and I’m still mad about it. I did nothing wrong.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Howl 😭
