You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
You Might Also Like
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
making my dog give me my pills
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
I found a set of keys everyone was looking for in the pub so i’m a magpie now apparently if anyone’s lost any shiny shit
the pigeons are already plenty salty
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.