Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Creation]

God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”

*cell divides*

God:”What the-”

*cells divide again*

God:”Oh shi-“

BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.

[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?

ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not

PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.

That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.

*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate*

*Creates a soulmate*

*At the checkout

Cashier: How many croissants?

M: Four

*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.

M: Um six

I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.

ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”

Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?

Him: Dude you were there

A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls

Made a mistake at work and my supervisor was like, “this is magical” so I said “ta-da!” and they laughed and this is how I will be announcing all of my mistakes from now on.

Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.

Me: Whoa…What are you doing?

Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.

Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.

Her:

Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.

goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles

Detective: Don’t leave town.

Me, thinking about gas money: Ok

BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.

Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!

*coworker showing you a picture of their newborn* Nice, nice. What is that?

Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”

My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions

I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”

Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired

I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.

Explaining to my wife that she should induce labor now so our son will be the first kid named Cybertruck.

*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead

I love art.

Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.

Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.

*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack