You think you’re raising your kids right, and then one of them decides to be a fan of your football team’s arch rival.
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HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
they say if you lose one of your senses the other ones become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day by just looking at them.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Best spoiler warning ever
Someone at work just farted and I panicked and said ‘compliments to the chef’. Wtf
psycho uses a TON of central framing and its making me so mad because you just KNOW that alfred hitchc*ck was doing it for the sake of tik tok video clips
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
I am so honored to have won the “Workplace Menace” award. This award is given annually to the Workplace Menace. Also I am not employed here
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.