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Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. i would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA