Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.

Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny

*sees “The customer is always right” sign*

*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*

If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…

[Job interview]

Him: Do you have any questions?

Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?

My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history

[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”

#Caturday

Thick as shit.

How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow

Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?

Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…

At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.

ALIEN: Take me to your leader

ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader

“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?

Me: *opens my front door*

Mosquitoes: *tie little bibs around their necks and get out the barbecue sauce*

If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.

When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.

When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic

If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain

If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.

Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me

I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.

I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.

You Tolkien to me?

Hobbit de Niro.

#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about

KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?

ME: change the wi-fi password

KID: nonononono I’m sorry

*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*

So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.

I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.

Spotted in the wild

this makes me so uncomfortable

I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news

If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.