You think you’re raising your kids right, and then one of them decides to be a fan of your football team’s arch rival.
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There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.