Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.

Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?

Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies

The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.

Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.

I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me

I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.

My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.

[Driving]

HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!

ME: Jealous?

The cats activated the rainbow portal again

Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too

Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.

“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game

[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys

Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG

Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.

I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.

I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.

[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*

If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.

I like to swear a lot so that people will keep their kids away from me.

the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.

I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.

Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.

I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people

[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?

I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.

*changes phone default notification sound*

A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.

I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.