You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
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I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
💀💀
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Monday
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Guy: what do you know about crypto
Me: that’s a DC villain, right?
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.