You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
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How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
My plans: 2020:
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
yes… yes…
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.