You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
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Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
🤣😂🤣😂
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
How broken is your spirit?
Me: Imagine a McDonald’s ice cream machine
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Impossible to find a better word than hyperbole.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
me: hey your birthday is one day away
6yo: we just call that tomorrow
me:
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.