Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘

Dis earing letters?

There’s an ‘app’ for that.

*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*

It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.

SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit

Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS

*Pillow Talk

I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t

Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?

If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn

Dog 911: what’s ur emer-

Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME

Dog 911: so?

Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE

Dog 911: OMG

Dog: OMG

imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now

Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?

Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’

Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you

Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill

Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-

Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.

Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-

Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*

Him: How do you even steer?

Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.

I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.

Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable

Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing

My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee

Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.

Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…

Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.

*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*

The CDC should absolutely have a prison

Spring is here!

I got so excited I wet my plants!

I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years

Sign at work today

“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now

My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.

I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.

Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.