Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”

Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?

*goes home*

Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.

How often were people sneezing into salad bars before they invented the sneeze guard?

If I don’t get ordained as a priest and install a mirror in my confessional I’ll never forgive myself.

My neighbors look so happy.

We can fix that.

Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.

Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.

Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.

dog: why can’t I see colors?

me: you’re visually impaired.

dog: what’s impai?

wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought

me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did

❒Single

❒Taken

✔ This claim is disputed!

Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.

Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.

Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.

*boyfriend calls girlfriend*

Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”

Gf: “we’re breaking up”

Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”

“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.

As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.

my premium snap prices:

-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15

“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”

At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”

She gets it..

The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.

THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?

ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy

Material possessions mean nothing to me.

*breaks phone*

I don’t think I can make it through this week.

You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,

According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.

*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin

Google maps: You’ve arrived.

Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?

Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.

Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.

Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?

The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.

I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.