You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
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Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
“I’m going in the back for a Zoom meeting.”
“Why are your meetings always right when the kids all flood into the library after school?”
“The committee chair schedules the meetings.”
“Who’s your committee chair?”
“I refuse to answer on the grounds that it may incriminate me.”
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
“We need a machine that can count all these damn geigers.” – guy who invented the geiger counter
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”