Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.

do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like

I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.

If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is serendipity.

me: can you use it in a sentence.

judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.

HER: Boxers or briefs?

ME: Depends

HER: Really? But you look so young.

I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.

I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.

TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.

A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.

“This was a better idea on papyrus”

My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.

Me: goodnight son I love you.

3yo:

Me: I said I love you.

3yo: I love milk.

Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*

I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?

Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.

*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore

*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*

just in case someone hasn’t told you today,

i’m gorgeous.

Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.

I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.

The last two times I’ve chewed gum I’ve bitten the inside of my mouth. That shit really should come with instructions.

My wife just randomly put on a Gregorian Monks CD and started flicking through a magazine, which made me feel a bit uneasy. I never leaf anything to chants.

JESUS: I shall turn water to wine

JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle

JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal

Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.

Him: so you like bad boys?

Me: of course not

Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-

Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do

When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.

They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.

Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present

Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours

oh you like road-trips? name every road then

[introducing my children]

…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex

Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.

Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more