You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
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I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Do you ever look at someone and think I’d like to be like that when I grow up and then realise that you’re the same age?
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
An MIT psychologist has warned humans against falling in love with AI, saying it just pretends and does not really care about you. “Oh that’s just a problem with AI, is it?” asked an MIT psychologist’s ex-girlfriend.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
You know what I respect about Shaquille O’Neal? He endorses and invests in everything. Gold Bond? Yes. Papa John’s? Hell yeah. Epson printers? You know it. I just saw his name on an office chair at Office Depot. This man owns 150 Five Guys. That’s 750 guys
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.