You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.

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If she’s freaking out, kiss her forehead, hug her & call her beautiful.. If she growls, throw chocolate at her from a safe place


M: I have what they call animal magnetism.

H: *sidles up to me*
*winks* Oh yeah?

M: Uh-huh. *points to squirrel affixed to stray cat*


Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call


My wife hates the way I introduce her to people in public.

“THIS is my wife..”

*looks down at the ground


*kicks can


Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?

Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me


BREAKING NEWS: Scientists sneak up on Periodic Table, add element of Surprise


[Cop arresting a centipede]
*opens crate of new handcuffs*


My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd


Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.