You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.

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superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts

me: this is relatable as hell


Oh, did my tweet insulting a celebrity upset you? Maybe you should tell them about it the next time you guys hang out.


For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?


HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple


*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*



I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?


Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.



Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.


I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.


I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.