You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
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Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
My therapist told me that constantly fantasising about living off grid in a woodland cottage that doubles as a library that triples as an animal rescue centre, is actually a coping mechanism & a sign of exhaustion.
To which I say, well imaginary you is no longer invited
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
Generation gap…
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
I think we should hear other voices.