Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.

Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.

Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.

*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*

*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*

Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado

Barista: What’s a furtado?

Me: It’s like a bird

me: what’s your biggest turnoff

her: noisy people

me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same

Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.

Your honor my client doesn’t like jail

i hate when food packaging makes a big deal about “no msg” what if i want msg. did we all forget msg tastes good

u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home

“I want to request the next book in this series.”
“Sorry, it looks like that title isn’t coming out until sometime next year.”
“So are you saying you can’t request it?”
“Not yet, no.”
“See, this is why I hate libraries.”
“No, this is why you hate linear time.”

When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.

Coffee helps me remember….

Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean words

I never said it was easy.

I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.

I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.

72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.

if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it

Coworker: did you have a good weekend?

Me: obviously not since I came back to work.

Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!

But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.

a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock

tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win

[knock on door]

JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?

ME (hates gossip): no

[Hospital]

Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition

*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”

Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.

My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.

“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.

[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd

My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.

[creating seahorses]

God: give em little horsey faces

Angel: aww cute

God: fish lookin bodies

Angel: ok…wait, really?

God: curly-cue tails lol

Angel: this is confusing

God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch

Angel:

God: POP

This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life

The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.

Me: “I’ll drink to that!”

Them: “Nobody said anything.”

Me: “I’ll drink to that!”