You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
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Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Trying to figure out if this girl from high school and her husband got divorced. I’m incredibly busy
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Wife:
4 firefighters show up
Firefighter 1: next time, just spray the snake with water. they hate that, they’ll leave you alone — real simple
Wife: If it was so simple, why did you bring 4 guys?
Check mate
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
Personal question. #JustSaying
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try