Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
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cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery