Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*

My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?

7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.

If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”

Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.

Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.

Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.

My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.

If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands

Car salesmen: Good evening

Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND

Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.

I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.

You know I’m all about that bass,

‘Bout that bass…

I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.

I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.

Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”

Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.

Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:

*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on

Babies crying everywhere

principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?

me: I just want to make a difference

Things I learned today:

1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch

I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.

School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever

What do you hear?

[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.

Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.

Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest

[stabbing you with a knife]

I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.

Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants

ㅤ

A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.

I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.

when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy