you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
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[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Introverted vegans go meetless
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
He said, “I like talking to you because we’re intellectual equals,” and Reader, it took everything I had to quietly nod.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?