you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
You Might Also Like
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
just got my engagement photos
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Dune (2021)
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.