Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never dropped acid in college but I did drop American Lit, Intro to Philosophy, General Chemistry and Phys Ed.

I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout  was crying

ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print

wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!

I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.

There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.

I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there

Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.

Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.

I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.

My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.

Nothing is sacred.

What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?

If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?

To the bank

My teenage children choosing violence

dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance

*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”

*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”

This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.

My grandpa would be 97 today if he hadn’t double-crossed me

why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs

Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing

Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!

[baking a cake]

Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?

Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know

Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast

Me:

Niece:

Me: you’re my favorite

When I tell my husband I have to go to the bathroom, he’s all like, I don’t need to know that, but bring home a new pet and he’s suddenly like, we need to work on your communication skills

2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod

2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod

absolutely crushed dolphin wordle

Me: I’m so fat…

Him: *rolls eyes*

Me: *rolls fat*

My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.

She: It’s not working between us
He: Why?
She: For starters, I can’t handle your silly jokes
He: Hmm, okay and for main course?