“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
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She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
My employer & colleagues all believe I am hard of hearing. I’m not. But it gets me out of having to engage in frivolous conversations & taking part in pointless hour-long meetings that could have been condensed into a 2 minute email. I get so much more work done as a “deaf” guy.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Hate when the person sitting next to me on the subway notices me shamelessly reading their texts and starts tilting it out of my view like c’mon lemme have a lil read it’s just me c’mon who am I gonna tell it’s only me
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint