Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!

“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.

Stages of helping your kids with a project:

1. Ok first off, when is it due?

2. Wait, WHAT??

Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.

If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.

*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”

I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.

Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That

*first day as a pilot*

Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo

Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”

Me: “I would wait.”

I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex

Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?

Me: Probably… Saskatchewan

Them: …

Me: or Worcestershire

Just how popey was the pope today?

God: [making trees]

Trees: yay

God: [making beavers]

Trees: nonononono

My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.

I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car

You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.

How to handle a one night stand the next morning:

1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it

Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!

Me: Soup

W: That’s Queso dip!!

M: Cheese soup

I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?

saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs

Me as a therapist: omg same

“Omg, I literally just died”

-people who literally don’t know what literally means

Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.

I always thought it was strange that Peter Parker works as a photographer…

Shouldn’t he be working in web design?

Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.

Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?

Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.

What’s Ticketmaster’s favourite Christmas song?

Fleeced Navidad

#GoldCrackers

2019: The floor is lava.

2020: The year is lava.