Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is

Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.

I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.

I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.

I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.

My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.

I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.

Fly is dead.

“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”

-Trees

cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law

me: incompetent lawyer

cop: wha-

me: tainted evidence

cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that

My son doesn’t like when I participate in his slang world lol!

*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.

@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.

Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?

I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist

A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here

me in a relationship:

Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time

look, a three-day weekend once a month is all i ask. the rest can be four-day weekends

On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it

If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing

“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”

My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh

If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.

I don’t think the person who said “if there were an infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of typewriters one would create the complete works of Shakespeare” had even a basic understanding of monkey behavior.

A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.

I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.

*Puts on muscle shirt*

*Looks in mirror*

Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.

ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL