Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry…what?

There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want

If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.

I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.

My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”

She left me because I am insecure.

No wait, she’s back.

She just went to get a glass of water.

Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”

Whoever decided to spell “schnapps” was a dippschit.

*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them

“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour

Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?

My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.

Me: …

Him: …

Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.

Him: How have you lived this long?

“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”

Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US

went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser

my love language is being sent money

wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*

blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?

blood cell 2: of course baby

blood cell 3: coagulations guys!

I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.

Them: if you could be any animal wha-

Me: rotisserie chicken

Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn

March 16

the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside

[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat

What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?

The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.

It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.

Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.

I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.

I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”

Thank you for sharing that story with us, now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go boil my soul.

I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards