Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.

Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.

The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block

I know a sign from God when I see one

what’s in a name?

GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son

GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..

Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.

SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?

ME: You’re an uber!

SON: No, with your phone

ME: Oh, sorry [types]

SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”

cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort

Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour

my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week

godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket

bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs

You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping

Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.

Daughter likes bananas.

Daughter likes banana bread.

Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.

“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late

“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late

“in traffic” = just got in a car

“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago

Perfect

A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.

Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.

If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.

Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell

Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.

When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.

that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala

I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.

If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team

Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.

*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*

dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy

I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.