Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,

Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”

Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.

I finally found a reason to live again.

When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.

HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.

ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?

Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:

To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.

I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me

Cop: Know how fast you were going?

Me: obviously, I have a speedometer

Cop: I know that

Me: then why did you ask?

Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk

My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.

All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand

WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China

ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.

Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?

Me- Never, just ask my husband.

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great

I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)

I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug

Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.

I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.

I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.

I should wash my van
We could use the rain

I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.

my gf left me bc i’m paranoid

nvm she’s back, she went pee

Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.

Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.

Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.

7: Ding Dong.

Me: What?

7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.

Me: Oh. My. God. 😂

[Pulled over]

Officer: license and registra- oh wow

Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here

Attention fat vegans:

Explain.

I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.

You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.

really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context

As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.