Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.

Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.

Grew big

#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor

Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.

DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?

FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school

ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah

*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*

ME: ive never felt better in my life

If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.

2017: It can’t get worse than this

DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment

Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.

Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.

Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?

I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.

me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-

british gas:

I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”

Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.

me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster

tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster

Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed

[explaining fingernails to an alien]

ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.

ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.

No I don’t want to read the article first I want to argue now

Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!

For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”

I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”

We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.

This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it

I feel it

what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar

Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.

Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.

Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?

In my 20’s: jingle all the way!

In my 40’s: jingle til around six thirty

Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M

There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.

*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*