Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters

I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.

[in bed]

her: u have done this before, right?

me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once

her: what?

me: what?

me: i love pillow talk

pillow: hello

me: what the hell

[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo

I love reading newspaper websites. The screen refreshing on its own 3 times in quick succession, the text disappearing halfway down the article, a random video advert suddenly filling the screen, the whole page unexpectedly closing for no reason. Great experience.

Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see

[first day in a new house]

Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home

Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit

[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?

POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case

ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn

CHIEF: …

ME: looks cool doesn’t-

CHIEF: totally looks cool

I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.

I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school

Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?

Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.

Don’t frighten the programmers!

My humor is broken

[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*

I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.

everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”

My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.

I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.

do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?

Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?

Me: no, I’m not ugly

ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man

ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*

Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?

Me: you feel like doing something?

Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill

Me: maybe after the killing then

Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.

I met with a well-dressed group today at work. They all wore a black and white suits and dresses. For some reason, I chose a bright yellow shirt & a chunky red necklace today. We took a picture and the effect was very casual Friday Ronald McDonald hanging with formal Hamburglers

[after winning scratch off ticket]

*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*

I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream

Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket