You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
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My mood ring just jumped into the trash compactor.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Everyone else time travelling: *preventing wars or the spread of disease*
Me: *buys multiple pairs of my favorite shoes they’ve stopped making*
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
After this very serious election let’s do one goofy one
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Do they award purple hearts for injuries playing* laser tag?
Asking for a friend.
* Dropping the gun on your foot while putting on your vest.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
I will eventually talk about something other than Cyberpunk, but they just gave me a quest to teach a vending machine to swear, so that won’t be today.
Finally got to experience my longtime dream today of getting sent the wrong zoom link for a meeting and entering a different, much more important meeting where everyone stared at their screen in confusion until the person in charge politely asked me who I was
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith