You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
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[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
I’m writing a story about a guy who goes searching for parts to build a bookcase. It’s a journey of shelf discovery.
…No, YOU shut up.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
My lawyer said I broke the record for how many times the word mayonnaise was used in a will at 13 times. The previous record was zero.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
They must have gotten it to go.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
catch me on valentine’s day like
