You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
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Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
I like the concept of restaurant appetizers: “Bring me something to eat. And bring me something else to eat while I’m waiting.”
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
The pigeons are plotting to overthrow the government. It will start with a coo.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses