Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.

Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.

I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?

me: he walking like a cold duck
other friend: with his freezin duck ass
another friend: cold duck much??
friend who always ruins the riffing with something serious: guys what side are your appendix on?

[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls

you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school

my name if I was in the mob

People who are bad at hiding, I see you

her: your frog jokes are terrible

me: so i’ve been toad, jen

“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.

People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.

11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?

Me: 12

11:

Me:

11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –

Me: choose your next words wisely.

Adult: What’s that a drawing of?

Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family

My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER

this was very charming

“dom or sub?”

subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion

hey I just met you

and this is crazy

but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions

for hours maybe

It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.

DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers

cooking with glasses on is so humiliating…why did i just get blinded by steam

Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things

Two things I have learned at the beach:

1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet

2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.

What jugglers do best

1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle

Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.

Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.

Hey guys if anyone was thinking about asking me to cut their hair I’d strongly encourage against it and any further questions on that can be directed to my boyfriend who is now, as of 20 minutes ago, for reasons no one can quite pinpoint, more or less bald

When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.

My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years

Always be yourself.

Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!

I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?

Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.

Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.

Me: No, not like that.