Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This could be us, but you weedin’.

Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.

[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?

Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.

landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy

Wife: our daughter just said shit.

Me: oh no! what do we do?

Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.

Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?

I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715

Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name

Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us

Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?

Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.

I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.

“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee

Farmer: These two chickens share a nest

No one:

Me: Would you call that cooperation?

I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers

[prison hospital]

PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?

CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of

PRIEST: …

CHARLES MANSON: …

PRIEST: Do you want a hint?

I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.

-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids

Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.

Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters

Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week

shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie

Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.

If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.

what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?

Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night

Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time

Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?

$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.

My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.

Him: Being a teenager is tough.

Me: *sigh* I’m 40.

Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine

I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.

On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.

My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.