YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
You Might Also Like
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
Fluff me with a fork baby
Me My dog
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka