Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.

HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard

Me: it’s cold and wet.

Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?

Me: n-no.

Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.

Me: why?

Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.

Me:

Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.

Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.

We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over. 

But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.

A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever

me: I’d wait a lifetime for you

also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there

How to open new toy:

1. Cut tape with machete.

2. Take shot.

3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.

4. Take 3 shots.

5. Watch child play with box.

Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD

“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”

Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.

I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂

HER: i love bad boys

ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed

[first day at the cia]

me: where’s the chandelier

boss: what chandelier

me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶

boss: that’s sia

me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here

My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.

Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.

If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.

I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️

August 8

*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.

When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.

Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.

BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple

The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.

Me: Can you do MyFitnessPal with me?

Husband: *immediately loses 8lbs*

I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”

My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.

We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around

Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens

Ethan isn’t playing around this semester