You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
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Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
Me: I’m feeling my age today.
Son: Really? I thought the senses dulled during the late stages of life.
Me: Your sister is my favorite.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
This week, we’re celebrating International No Wi-Fi Day! 📴✨
#WawawiwaComics
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
British people be like “I’m Bri ish” cause they drank the “T”😭
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub