Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro

One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.

Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.

{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet

Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic

Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…

I took two years of anger management courses

Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores

Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.

Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people

One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.

Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.

CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…

Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP

Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍

I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.

FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.

the most incredible thing about James Bond is the way he can walk into any hotel room and immediately know how to use the shower

Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.

*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*

M: I have never been happier in my life.

Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?

Children: Wait, what?

Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids

An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.

It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.

I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.

My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin

I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.

things i’ve picked my teeth with:

– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grass

things i’ve never picked my teeth with:

– toothpick

Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.

Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.

After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”

Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?

Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem

I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.

The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…

My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?

“what’s it like having a sister?”

A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.