You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
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[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
On a Zoom call at work today, a coworker said she was going on mute because she had found an emergency stash of biscuits, and was trying to eat them all before her kids came home. We all applauded.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
whenever i wake up before my alarm
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Let’s Go
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
a New Yorker reject, for you
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.