Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.

CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?

Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.

Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.

*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me

sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet

[first day as chinese police officer]

me: guys…it happened again.

[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…

Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more

Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.

Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?

Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground

Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…

I cannot believe all of these people are out!

-Me when I’m out

Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room

I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.

It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE

goals for 2016:

1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion

[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red

Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly

Me: oh God ok

Robber: Where’s the safe?

Me: Over there

Robber: Where’s the key?

Me: In that drawer

Robber: What day is it?

Me: oh no

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

The Onion called it…again.

*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™

Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.

If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.

I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.

Now it’s syncing.

#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

[math class]

How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?

“By crawling to the counter?”

GET OUT

there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.

me and my fake scenarios

Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.

“Want me to tell you how to murder someone and get away with it?”

—my 9yo, making conversation at lunch. At a restaurant. In public.

Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”

Do I laugh or….?