You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
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one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
just give your kids the ipad they’re the ones who’ll be fighting cyborgs in the future.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
He is just living hist best little life 😊
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] ＩＦ ＹＯＵ ＬＩＫＥ ＩＴ ＴＨＥＮ ＹＯＵ ＳＨＯＵＬＤＡ ＰＵＴ Ａ ＲＩＮＧ ＯＮ ＩＴ
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”