You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
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Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know