You two just need to get out more.

– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice

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Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.


Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.


[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”

“a lasagne driving a car?”


I have decided I will never get down to my original weight. Besides 7.5 pounds is unrealistic anyway.


Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!

Me: It was getting freezer-burned.

W: I just bought it today!

Me: Crazy freezer.


You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.


WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?

ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?


I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”


Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?


My dad left for cigarettes and never came back so I’m going to trap a new one