@EmissaryKerry
@OhNoSheTwitnt
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
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@OhNoSheTwitnt
@rosannecash
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
@Fred_Delicious
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
@lunasgarden_
I have decided I will never get down to my original weight. Besides 7.5 pounds is unrealistic anyway.
@AmishPornStar1
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
@Henry_3k
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
@upsidedowntrash
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
@LurkAtHomeMom
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
@TheBoydP
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
@BuckyIsotope
My dad left for cigarettes and never came back so I’m going to trap a new one
