@EmissaryKerry

You two just need to get out more.

– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice

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@Ms_Moneypenny_

The 1st to apologize is the bravest. The 1st to forgive, the strongest. The 1st to forget, the happiest.nnThe first to kill the other, WINS.

@rolldiggity

Art imitates life. Imitation is the highest form of flattery. Flattery will get you nowhere. So GOOD LUCK WITH THAT ART DEGREE!

@Molly_Kats

A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.

@Sassafrantz

Is there an easy way to leave a dance circle or do I have to die here?

@thenatewolf

Salesman: first time buying a motorcycle?

Me: that obvious?

Salesman: nobody asks “how loud is the vroom?” they ask “what’s the vroomage?”

@Jinxy00

Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.

@NerishaLakha

Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.

@InternetHippo

Am I a good person? No. But do I try to be better every single day? Also no

@Dutch_50

“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???