You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
You Might Also Like
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
the battle rages on
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch