The 1st to apologize is the bravest. The 1st to forgive, the strongest. The 1st to forget, the happiest.nnThe first to kill the other, WINS.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
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Art imitates life. Imitation is the highest form of flattery. Flattery will get you nowhere. So GOOD LUCK WITH THAT ART DEGREE!
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Is there an easy way to leave a dance circle or do I have to die here?
Ramen again? This guy’s a mess.
-mice in my kitchen
Salesman: first time buying a motorcycle?
Me: that obvious?
Salesman: nobody asks “how loud is the vroom?” they ask “what’s the vroomage?”
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
Am I a good person? No. But do I try to be better every single day? Also no
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???