You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
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23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
Well, this is awkward
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package