You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
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NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
A list of fun place names to ask an American to say:
-Worcestershire
-Leicestershire
-Gloucester
-Edinburgh
-Loughborough
-Southwark
-Marylebone
-Reading
-Cholmondeley
-Towcester
-Berwick
-Cirencester
-Salisbury
-High Wycombe
-Chiswick
-Leominster
-Ruislip
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
pizza
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*