You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
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My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
Just been made aware of the fact that some people are unironically referring to the General Election as the Jenny Lec and, I’ll be honest, I’m not coping too well with this awful information.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Bro sacrificed his freedom just for that joke
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
career fairs are such a disappointment to fair enthusiasts. “fair” is misleading. they should be called jobathons
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
10-year-old: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
Me: We can have ice cream after dinner.
10: Dinner will ruin my appetite.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!