You two, right there. You don’t know it yet, but you’ll be coming home with me.

*points at hotel towels*

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Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’


“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”

“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”

“You heard me.”


A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.


Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.


Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.

I passed with flying carpets.


[at my date’s front door]
wait, so you’ve known i was a koala the whole time?
[me clinging to her arm slowly eating a leaf]
how tho?


you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich


*Smashes the Sony

*Destroys the Panasonic

*Pummels the Kenwood

*Rips apart the Pioneer

~breaking all stereotypes


Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.


Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.