Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
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Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.