Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea

The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip

War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.

Nothing says I’m drunk like:

“I’m drunj.”

The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.

[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”

My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.

Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.

A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.

My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.

Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.

I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?

succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”

Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.

If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.

– Things I have to say to my mom

Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep

Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.

Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?

Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?

For pride month you can’t say “let me get this straight…”, you have to say “just so we’re queer…”

Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.

I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.

[Opportunity knocks]

Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.

On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)

I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.

Gynecologist: …

I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.

My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.

Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.

I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.

My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”

Tried arguing on the internet today.

Wouldn’t recommend it.

0 out of 5 stars.

Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?

Children: Wait, what?

Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids

I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?