Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.

To remind myself that I control the list.

SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT

I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.

applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist

Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?

I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one

Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.

finally found a reasonable question

The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.

“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”

“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”

Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.

Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”

Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.

Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.

Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.

God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!

8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head

My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:

Robots…

– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up

10/10 no notes

you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays

[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary

Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.

But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.

People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.

One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is

Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬

Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries

A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”

Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.

Me: I need one

Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.

*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*

“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”