you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
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Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
**shaking a magic 8-ball**
Me: Will my vision ever get better?
Coconut:
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
typical orange cat and void cat behavior
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it