you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
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Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
date catches me googling “how to hamburger” when she asks if i can cook
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Just this preview of the story is enough
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Doctor: Hello. Thanks for being patient
Me: Hello. Thanks for being doctor
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.